It wasn't my fault......I heard voices....Jesus made me do it......It was the one-armed man!

Every once in a while, the diverse elements that comprise the bizarre world of the religious right make common cause. Typically, it is in opposition of a perceived challenge to the firm grip they have on the starboard testicle of whatever political system under the protection of which they are operating , or in support of something that will tighten it. Sometimes, it is for or against something that either threatens to lessen or promises to enhance the flow of lucre pouring in from the open pit pillage of the pockets and purses of the poor and the pious. (Don't you just love alliteration......fuck you Spiro, wherever you are!) Throughout history this has given us some really nifty stuff.........the dark ages, inquisitions, the crusades, anti-semitism, racial persecution, witch hunts, superstition, poverty, disease, ignorance, the re-election of George Bush (were those last two redundant?).....and all in the name of gentle Jesus and for the glory of a loving God.
In any event, the cathoholics and the prostitutes, the fundamental-cases and the sundry odd sectarians and branch nut groups of every stripe all get naked and pile into bed together for a righteous group slap and tickle just to show the world what good buddies they really all are . It makes for a nice break from their traditional Sunday morning pursuits of condemning heathens, heretics, homosexuals, jews, ay-rabs, liberals and each other to eternal torment and damnation by the hundreds of millions.
This was the case when most of the non-christian world found something to be offended by in Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ"..(Mad Jesus, beyond Thunderdome!)
Every pulpit in christendom echoed with a single voice that this movie was the best thing since sliced bread and oral sex, and whole congregations deserted their sanctuaries en masse to reconvene Sunday evening services in local movie houses. (Amen and pass the buttered popcorn.)
Currently, the christian community seems to be circling the wagons over the looming double threat of the recently translated "Gospel of Judas" and the soon-to-appear-in-a-theater-near-you movie version of "The DaVinci Code".
So.........let's see if I have this straight. Poor ol' Judas wasn't the money-grubbing pissant who sold out God for thirty bucks like we were taught in sunday school after all. Instead he was a courageous and clever double agent and Jesus just let him take the fall. Hell, He could have cleared the whole thing up on Easter morning when He dropped by to visit with the boys before jetting off to paradise.
("Nice talking with ya again guys.........hell of a weekend, eh? My arms are still sore. Damn shame about Judas....sure had Me fooled. Well, I gotta get going, Dad's expecting Me home for supper. I'll be back.")
...........and the Holy Grail? That's just too rich. For howsomever many centuries armor clad thugs sirred into nobility by a self-annointed Holy mafiosi of over-fed, jewel crusted, silk clad, woman hating, gay pedophiles raped, looted, ravaged and murdered their way through Europe and the near east under the pretext of searching for the sacred beer mug of Christ. Now, it would seem, there is an an odds on chance that somewhere along the way they might very well have snagged one or more of His teenaged great, great, great, great, great........granddaughters, gang fucked and sodomized her, and left her in a hay stack despoiled, weeping, pregnant and bleeding from every orifice of her body. ("Shit, guys, this isn't it...........Hey barkeep, gimme a clean glass and, by the way, you got any daughters or nieces hanging around?")
Is that irony? I've read the definition a thousand times and sometimes I'm not sure. What can I say? Sometimes real life is more amusing (in retrospect) than the History Channel.
While I've got a good rant momentum rolling here, I might as well add that I never really understood the whole christians hating the jews thing. They ought to be kissing and hugging on them and buying them dinner every chance they get. After all, if the jews hadn't killed Christ we christians would't even have a religion. We'd still be worshipping rocks and trees and giant carved stiffies and little statues of naked fat chicks with droopy tits instead of a dead guy on a stick.
Out with the old symbol, in with the new......right J.?

I feel much better now.

In closing............Happy Mother's Day to all you mommies out there, young and old alike.
Keep in mind that kindly old Uncle Cecil thinks pregnant ladies are really sexy....and I've got a package of hot dogs, a sack of salt and vinegar potato chips, the starz channels, a web cam and no plans for the evening.
Dinner and a movie anyone?

*grins*

Thus endeth the entry...........