Interlude...............
I'm in "aftermath" mode at the moment. I got into bed at around 2:00 am and slept until around 10:00 am.
I don't know what woke me up, but I came wide awake at around 5:00am.............looked at the clock, spent a groggy moment or two wondering what the fuck I was doing awake at that time of the morning, and went back to sleep. Perhaps it was just a fluke.........perhaps someone was just thinking about me real hard. (laugh if you will, but that sort of thing has happened far too often with people I care about to be passed off as mere coincidence)
At any rate, I've once again thrown my "reasonably healthy sleep schedule" into a cocked hat, so I'll likely pull an all nighter tonight. If I can make myself tired enough to go to bed at a sane hour tomorrow night, I can get myself back on track. (Between a summer induced increase in the consumption of alcohol, and the ass-backwards sleep schedule, I know that I'm totally whacking out my R.E.M. sleep and therefore my brain chemistry, and feeding a tendency to depression arising out of a life situation that I currently can't do much of anything about except to weather the storm.)
All of which, will allow me the time to update my 4th of July with the family, and start my "Cooking With Gutz" blog with an inaugural step by step tutorial in cooking ribs........complete with pictures.
As I rambled about this morning, starting coffee, feeding the cat..........etc., I opened the door to fetch the paper and there stood Gina. Gina is a long term and cherished friend. (I didn't use the term "old friend" because she just turned 25 yesterday.) She finished school last fall and wound up working in Phoenix. It was wonderful to see her again, even though she is only in town for a few days and couldn't visit long. Time and distance notwithstanding, I love her and lust for her as much as I ever did...........and always will. She is yet another someone that I care for enough that I am not really selfish enough to wish to spend my life with, however much I would love to. She deserves to be with someone a little closer in age to her............but what fun and closeness we could have for a while. *sigh*
Somewhere in between the indiscriminate and insignificant one night hook-up and a "serious-as-a-heart attack" monogamy, there has to be some happy medium for people whose lives and emotional state are not quite yet conducive to long term openess and trust and full scale commitment. Something that allows time spent together to be free of the need to suppress or withhold or deny or hide who you really are......something as comfortable as old shoes and sweatpants..........something as comfortable as walking from room to room naked. Something that allows sex to be something besides an accompanied act of masturbation, allows a mutual accumulation of familiarty and a subsequent growth in intensity and allows an exploration and an evolution and a shared discovery,a true and complete and exhausted satisfaction............as opposed to something given the gravity and density and weight of the emotional equivalent of the core material of a collapsing star, the pall of obligation, that accompanies something sanctioned and given sacred status by the inclusion of either God or the desperate need for "True Love".
This is an attractive thing for me right now............I have nothing against the long term commitment, I really would like to be married again. I'd even do kids all over again. There is nothing in me that would prevent what I've described above from making a seque into a marriage.............if true communication could develope and find a way to sustain itself. If fidelty and truth and loyalty and all those other things essential to a true union could find a way to manifest themselves as trustworthy in some real way.
I'll be around.............working diligently in the quiet hours. Tomorrow I'll have updated with something besides rant, and presented a new "side-blog" dedicated not only to appetites that tend to the "big bite" but ultimately to practical advice about the kitchen and cooking in general, such as: the zen of cooking with a gourmands passion, recipes, equipping the kitchen and stocking the pantry on a budget, cooking for one or two hundred, managing left-overs, feeding yourself when you don't feel like it....all these things and more have been a part of my experience .........damn, the directions I could spin off in are unfolding in my mind exponentially and I'm excited just sitting here thinking about it.
So indulge me my sometimes too personal reflections, and rambling disconnected digressions and stay tuned..........I'm only getting warmed up.
Thus endeth the entry..........
I don't know what woke me up, but I came wide awake at around 5:00am.............looked at the clock, spent a groggy moment or two wondering what the fuck I was doing awake at that time of the morning, and went back to sleep. Perhaps it was just a fluke.........perhaps someone was just thinking about me real hard. (laugh if you will, but that sort of thing has happened far too often with people I care about to be passed off as mere coincidence)
At any rate, I've once again thrown my "reasonably healthy sleep schedule" into a cocked hat, so I'll likely pull an all nighter tonight. If I can make myself tired enough to go to bed at a sane hour tomorrow night, I can get myself back on track. (Between a summer induced increase in the consumption of alcohol, and the ass-backwards sleep schedule, I know that I'm totally whacking out my R.E.M. sleep and therefore my brain chemistry, and feeding a tendency to depression arising out of a life situation that I currently can't do much of anything about except to weather the storm.)
All of which, will allow me the time to update my 4th of July with the family, and start my "Cooking With Gutz" blog with an inaugural step by step tutorial in cooking ribs........complete with pictures.
As I rambled about this morning, starting coffee, feeding the cat..........etc., I opened the door to fetch the paper and there stood Gina. Gina is a long term and cherished friend. (I didn't use the term "old friend" because she just turned 25 yesterday.) She finished school last fall and wound up working in Phoenix. It was wonderful to see her again, even though she is only in town for a few days and couldn't visit long. Time and distance notwithstanding, I love her and lust for her as much as I ever did...........and always will. She is yet another someone that I care for enough that I am not really selfish enough to wish to spend my life with, however much I would love to. She deserves to be with someone a little closer in age to her............but what fun and closeness we could have for a while. *sigh*
Somewhere in between the indiscriminate and insignificant one night hook-up and a "serious-as-a-heart attack" monogamy, there has to be some happy medium for people whose lives and emotional state are not quite yet conducive to long term openess and trust and full scale commitment. Something that allows time spent together to be free of the need to suppress or withhold or deny or hide who you really are......something as comfortable as old shoes and sweatpants..........something as comfortable as walking from room to room naked. Something that allows sex to be something besides an accompanied act of masturbation, allows a mutual accumulation of familiarty and a subsequent growth in intensity and allows an exploration and an evolution and a shared discovery,a true and complete and exhausted satisfaction............as opposed to something given the gravity and density and weight of the emotional equivalent of the core material of a collapsing star, the pall of obligation, that accompanies something sanctioned and given sacred status by the inclusion of either God or the desperate need for "True Love".
This is an attractive thing for me right now............I have nothing against the long term commitment, I really would like to be married again. I'd even do kids all over again. There is nothing in me that would prevent what I've described above from making a seque into a marriage.............if true communication could develope and find a way to sustain itself. If fidelty and truth and loyalty and all those other things essential to a true union could find a way to manifest themselves as trustworthy in some real way.
I'll be around.............working diligently in the quiet hours. Tomorrow I'll have updated with something besides rant, and presented a new "side-blog" dedicated not only to appetites that tend to the "big bite" but ultimately to practical advice about the kitchen and cooking in general, such as: the zen of cooking with a gourmands passion, recipes, equipping the kitchen and stocking the pantry on a budget, cooking for one or two hundred, managing left-overs, feeding yourself when you don't feel like it....all these things and more have been a part of my experience .........damn, the directions I could spin off in are unfolding in my mind exponentially and I'm excited just sitting here thinking about it.
So indulge me my sometimes too personal reflections, and rambling disconnected digressions and stay tuned..........I'm only getting warmed up.
Thus endeth the entry..........
posted by captn | 7/05/2004 02:30:00 PM
1 Comments:
Ooooh, I can't wait. I still have plenty of blank recipe cards, so bring on the recipes! I'm currently doing the weight-loss thing, so if you could throw in a nice healthy recipe here and there I'd be much obliged.
~Em~
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